I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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