Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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