The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
