Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
