Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
