Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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