Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I said "one day" and that day is not today
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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