break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
