I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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