I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
