im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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