I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
