so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
