And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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