Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
