my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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