I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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