Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
