textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
