i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
