You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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