$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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