dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
And then he peed in my hair
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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