bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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