Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
