Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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