i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
