They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize