Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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