my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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