also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
