Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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