I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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