I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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