My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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