I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
