I got chris browned last night
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
