Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
