Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
