Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
