i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
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