i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
You smell like stripper and shame
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
