1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize