You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You are the jesus of drinking
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
