dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
