Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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