i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize