im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize