I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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