genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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