i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
