Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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