If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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