I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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