so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
