I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
