put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
