My boss' voice literally gives me gas
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Randomize
