my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
