hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
