After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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