i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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