You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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