I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
