We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Will exercising make me less horny?
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