im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Randomize
