My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
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