Pregnant stripper...not hot.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
