Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
God, you're like boner-b-gone
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
